Not for laughs. :/

Walao sudden gush of frustration, sadness and all just make me feel doubly unhappy because I'm probably the last person on earth who wants to feel unhappy. I really hate it when I'm preoccupied with troubles and even when I laugh, I know it's not genuine and it just makes me feel sick and disgusted. Like what for laugh or smile when you know you can't? So fake but I just can't help it. :/ Maybe I thought it would help and it probably helped for a while. Just a little while. Haven't felt this way for years already. Probably 4 years? I feel so terrible right now that I can't even focus on anything. Nothing I can do about this except to pray and keep praying. But right now, praying only helped a bit. Guess I'll only feel better when I vomit everything that's troubling me out. Bottling things up doesn't help at all. I want to lose my memory of all these nonsense. If only I could.